How do you fix a broken relationship?

Five Tips to Create more Closeness and Emotional Connection with your Partner.

Whether we choose to marry or not, we all enter romantic relationships with the hope that we have found our "one and only," our soulmate with whom we can effortlessly spend the rest of our lives. Unfortunately, this romantic ideal doesn't always come to fruition. Since none of us wants to contribute to ending up in the divorce rate statistics, learning how to resolve conflicts and fix a broken relationship becomes crucial.

Any relationship, especially those facing the pressures and challenges of expat life, can shift from being secure to insecure, from trusting to mistrusting, and from offering a stable foundation to becoming a conflict zone.

In this blogpost, I begin by describing the characteristics of a successful relationship. Next, I explore the various pitfalls that can damage even the strongest relationships. Following that, I provide five tips on how to improve or fix a troubled or broken relationship.

𝐖𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐝𝐨𝐞𝐬 𝐚 𝐭𝐡𝐫𝐢𝐯𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐫𝐞𝐥𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐬𝐡𝐢𝐩 𝐥𝐨𝐨𝐤 𝐥𝐢𝐤𝐞?

In a thriving, trusting, and nurturing relationship,

• You have the freedom to be yourself, but share values and (at least, some) dreams with your partner.

  
  

• Conflicts are taken in a respectful and caring manner with a focus on repair, when needed.

  
  

• Intimacy is prioritised.

  
  

• You trust that your partner has the best of intentions.

  
  

• You don't expect your partner to be a mind reader or to fulfill all your needs.

  
  

• And, besides a good amount of natter, you can be silly and make jokes with each other.

Unfortunately, for many couples, this is not the reality when the pressures of expat and/or family life become overwhelming—particularly if one's attachment style is insecure or disorganised (click here to find information about my online course helping expats to earn a secure attachment style to create a stronger sense of self and identity in expat life). Frequently, what once seemed exciting and unique becomes unpleasant and may feel more like a battleground than a haven.

 

So, how does a thriving relationship turn sour and become the basis for divorce?

Over time, if you don't actively focus on healing your relational wounds and traumas and on maintaining trust, intimacy, and respect, even the strongest romantic relationships may become complacent or emotionally distant.

Partners often start to take one another for granted or blame each other for their personal misfortunes and unresolved issues. Many of us are aware of how tempting it is to point the finger at others instead of examining our own actions. This approach, however, is a surefire way to ruin intimacy, trust, and support in what was once your closest and most loving relationship.

Some behaviors I frequently observe in my practice with couples include:

Unrealistic expectations: Do you hold unrealistic expectations for your partner?

• Your partner should always know your needs without you needing to express them.

• Your partner is responsible for your happiness.

• Your partner should just change their negative behaviour.

• Your partner should heal their issues on their own.

• You believe that love and relationships should be effortless; if not, it’s not real love.

 Projection: Do you project your feelings onto your partner?

• Rather than dealing with your feelings, you subconsciously believe that your partner feels the same way.

• Without knowing it, you push it onto them to be angry rather than owning your own anger.

Quiet Quitting: Are you quiet quitting your relationship?

• Emotionally, you have checked out.

• Conversations lack depth, and your engagement is minimal and superficial.

• You are not making time for the couplehood.

• You are not invested in making an effort for your partner – like planning dates, asking about their day, etc.

• There’s a lack of laughter, emotional connection, and openness.

• You have stopped sharing or having shared dreams for the future.

• You dismiss or ignore your partner when they reach out for support.

• You secretly wish that they would break up with you.

Fighting Mistakes: Are you pushing your partner away in fights?

• You are responding with defensiveness rather than curiosity and openness to their experience and point of view.

• Rather than truly listening to your partner, you are busy putting together a reply for them.

• You assume the worst from your partner – Living in England, my children taught me that “when you ASSUME, you make an 'ASS' out of 'U' and 'ME”.

• To avoid responsibility, you counterattack to shift the attention away from yourself.

• You invalidate or dismiss their experience.

Resentment, contempt, and stonewalling: All of the above lead to resentment, and often also to contempt and stonewalling – these are all leading courses of divorce!

How to fix a broken relationship?

• As a couple, identify the root causes:

  
  

  • What needs are unmet or not validated?

  • What conflicts remain unresolved?

  • What is your role in all this, and how can you begin to shift your behaviour towards more direct and respectful communication?

    
    

• Own your own feelings and communicate them to your partner: “When you do/say X, I feel Y!”

  
  

• Carve out time to talk about each your perspective without passing blame, shame, or guilt upon each other.

  
  

• Discuss how you can balance what might be imbalanced. E.g., the mental load of the family, time on your own, responsibilities not evenly distributed, etc.

  
  

• Practise seeing things from your partner’s perspective rather than just your own – be curious about what they might need from you.

  
  

• Don't expect your partner to fulfill all your needs or to be able to read your mind.

  
  

• Schedule positive time together: watch a film, go bowling, run around the park … dig into what you liked to do when you first met

To repair your relationship and sustain a meaningful bond with your spouse, engaging in safe conversations is essential. These conversations foster emotional unity, closeness, and security, while reducing many conflicts.

Make time for connection and discussions that go beyond the everyday logistics of modern family life.

Begin by cultivating curiosity, mastering the art of listening, and expressing your own vulnerabilities.

If you and your spouse or partner need help to fix a troubled or broken relationship, feel free to check out how I can help you:

• Read about couples therapy,

• Check out my online course, Attached & Abroad, helping expats earn a more secure attachment style for better and safer relationships,

• Or contact me for a free, non-binding 25-minute consultation by visiting my website.