The Silence Tax: What Accompanying Partners Pay When Nobody Talks About Money
Guest posts occasionally bring perspectives and expertise that differ from my own work as a psychotherapist and expat therapist. I believe there is value in exploring different lenses on expat life – including financial, practical, and logistical realities that can shape a family’s experience abroad.
The article below was written by guest contributor Angelika Hernández Dorendorf, Founder of WIN – Women Invest & Impact, and is shared here in its original form. The views and financial perspectives expressed are entirely those of the author and do not constitute financial advice from me or my practice. The article is intended for general information and reflection rather than as a substitute for advice tailored to individual circumstances. Readers are encouraged to seek appropriately qualified professional advice where needed.
What I personally found particularly interesting in this piece is how it brings together something we don't always consider when moving abroad: the relationship between financial independence, emotional security, and the small, often unspoken decisions couples make along the way. It is a reminder that financial conversations are not simply about money, but also about being seen, having a voice, and feeling that both partners have a place in the life they are building together.
This is a subject that has a personal resonance for me, too. In October 2024, I was interviewed by The Wall Street Journal for an article exploring how couples make decisions about relocating for one partner's career, and the consequences these decisions can have for the other partner's professional and financial future. It still feels slightly surreal to think that I was featured in the paper, but I was pleased to have the opportunity to contribute to a conversation that I believe deserves more attention.
You can find the article, including the print version, in The Good Expat Life's Guides section.
Thank you to Angelika for her contribution - if you would like to contribute an article about expat life to my blog, please feel free to contact me at henriette@thegoodexpatlife.com.
My grandmother was in love. She followed her husband to a new country, where she did not yet speak the language, and she trusted him completely. He managed every cent, and she never asked. When the marriage ended, she found herself starting again with a six-year-old daughter, in a language she was still learning.
That little girl was my mother.
My grandmother rebuilt her life, and later she even bought and rented out property. I tell her story not as a warning, but because it is the reason I care so much about one simple conversation, the one many of us, especially when we live abroad, keep postponing.
The move nobody budgets for
I spent twenty years in Swiss private banking, at Credit Suisse and UBS and later as Managing Director of a family office. I have also started again from zero myself, in a new country, after losing my father and my older brother when I was twenty-one.
At the tables of some of the wealthiest families in Europe and Latin America, I often saw the same scene. A couple sits down with their banker. He talks. She listens, nods and signs. She is intelligent, often highly educated, frequently the one who held the family together through several international moves. And she goes quiet the moment money comes up.
Not because she does not understand. Because nobody ever told her that her voice belonged at that table.
For an accompanying partner, this quiet often begins with an act of love. She steps back from her salary, her pension contributions and her professional identity so the family can take the opportunity abroad. Relocation budgets cover the movers, the school fees and the housing. Very few cover what she gives up. It feels like teamwork, and often it is. It simply works best when both partners can see the whole picture.
The Silence Tax
I call it the Silence Tax: the quiet price of the money questions we never ask.
Silence feels peaceful. It feels like trust. But it is also an agreement we renew every year without noticing, and the longer it runs, the more awkward the first conversation can feel.
Research echoes what I saw at those tables. In a UBS study of more than 3,600 women in nine countries, 58% left long-term financial decisions to their spouse, and younger women were even more likely to do so (59% of those aged 20 to 34) than women over fifty (55%). And 76% of widowed and divorced women said they wished they had been more involved while they were married. That last number is not a reason to worry. It is a gentle reminder that involvement is easiest, and kindest, when everything is going well.
An invitation for happy couples
Please hear me, querida: this is not an article for women in crisis. It is an invitation to the women whose relationships are good.
The best time to talk about money is when nothing is wrong, when there is trust, warmth and time. A conversation you choose on a calm Sunday is a gift to your relationship.
And talking about money does not damage love. In a TD Bank study of more than 1,300 people in relationships, 42% of those who talked about money at least once a week described their relationship as "extremely happy", compared with 27% of those who talked about it less than once a month.
Head, Heart and Voice
In my book I describe financial security as a table standing on three legs.
Head: you understand the numbers. What you own, what you owe, where it is, and what happens to your pension when you pause your career for a few years.
Heart: you know your worth. The years you invested in your family, your children and your partner's career are a real contribution, not a favour.
Voice: you can speak about money. You can ask, listen, and share what you need.
Most of us have one or two of these legs, and life feels steady. The third one, often Voice, is simply the one we have not practised yet. In my family it was always Voice, and it is the easiest of the three to begin.
A reflection from Henriette Johnsen, Psychotherapist MPF
“When we move abroad as a couple or a family, the decisions we make are often made with the best of intentions. One partner may continue working while the other steps away from a career to support the move, care for children, or help the family settle into an unfamiliar life. It can feel like a natural division of responsibilities, and one that works well for everyone. Yet, over time, the emotional meaning of that arrangement can change, sometimes without either partner quite noticing.
I know from my own expat experience that understanding money does not necessarily mean knowing how to talk about it. Even as a trained accountant, I found myself lacking the emotional insight, the language, and the tools to approach conversations about money and retirement arrangements successfully. I understood the practicalities, but that did not mean I knew how to navigate the conversation itself. Looking back today through a psychological lens, I can see how much more there was at stake than the figures on a page.
Our relationship with money is rarely just about numbers. Money can represent independence, competence, fairness, and the feeling that we have a say in our own lives. When we find ourselves in an unfamiliar country, away from our usual networks and the roles that once helped us feel confident, these things can become even more important. And talking about money can feel surprisingly difficult. We may worry about appearing ungrateful, creating conflict, or questioning the trust between us, particularly when we know how much our partner is also carrying.
From an attachment perspective, it makes sense that conversations about money can touch something deeper than the practical question we are trying to resolve. We may be seeking reassurance that we matter, that our contribution is recognized, and that we can depend on one another without losing our sense of self.
Sometimes, the most helpful starting point is not to decide who is right or how things ought to be organised, but to become curious about what money means to each of us, and what we need in order to feel secure.
Financial openness, like emotional openness, is something couples can build together. It need not begin with a problem. It can begin with a conversation, offered with care, about how both partners can feel informed, included and secure in the life they are creating together.”
Four gentle questions for a quiet ten minutes
Answer these just for yourself, with curiosity rather than judgement:
Do I know where our main accounts, pensions and policies are, in each country where we have them?
Could I access what I need, if my partner were travelling or unwell for a while?
When did we last look at everything together?
What would help me feel more informed and included?
If you cannot answer all four yet, you have not failed. You have found your starting point.
One brave step this week
You do not need a problem to begin. You need one sentence, said with love. Try something like this:
"I love the life we have built, and I want both of us to feel safe in it, wherever we live next. Could we sit down on Sunday for an hour and look at everything together? Then let's make it a yearly ritual."
Choose a calm moment. Bring tea and curiosity. Ask, listen, and share what matters to you. If it feels a little awkward, that is normal. Courage usually does at first.
My grandmother gave my mother the Heart and a good part of the Head. I had to find the Voice on my own. You can start finding yours this week, gently, and the conversation you start is not only for you. It is for every daughter and every son who is watching how we live with money.
Angelika Hernández Dorendorf spent twenty years in Swiss private banking at Credit Suisse and UBS, most recently as Managing Director of a family office. Born in Venezuela, with German and Danish roots, she is the creator of the WIN Method™ (Head · Heart · Voice) and the author of Unleash Your Wealth Within, publishing for International Women's Day 2027. She lives near Zurich with her four children. Readers who want to find their own starting point can take the free Silence Audit at angelikahd.com.
This article is general education and not personal financial or investment advice.
Sources: UBS Global Wealth Management, "Own Your Worth" (2019); TD Bank Love & Money Survey (2015).
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