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  • Writer's pictureHenriette Johnsen

The nightmare of the "Stuck expat mums"

What is a stuck mum?

It means that if you move abroad with your partner, have children and split, you are stuck because you are not allowed to bring you children back home. Or mums who have to leave their children behind mostly because of financial reasons.


How did I get in this situation?

It's a slow process: I met a guy, I was young, happy and educated and I decided to move abroad for the experience. I was fascinated to be closer to my roots as a Korean adoptee. We travelled, moved around while my ex kept working(remote). I had a beautiful baby and enjoyed the lifestyle. I worked here and there but it was ok because with my ex-husbands salary we could afford it.


How did I get stuck?

It's a classic divorce: 10 years later he met a young local woman. I was left behind while the panic set in. Where do I go? by now my resume has a gap, I'm middle aged and my home country has a serious housing crisis. I went back for a few months, but I failed. The only job I got offered was at a call center. Going back to the country we moved to is as bad. It's one of the most expensive cities in the world and with my salary I can't afford an apartment. I have to live in a shared house. That means that I have to sleep in one bed with my daughter who is almost a teenager now. There is no point in bringing my daughter back home. There is no family anymore and she was born and raised in this expat city.


Depression and loneliness

There are other mums like me, but we are in the minority. It's such a complicated and insane story by now that I can't even go into details. I have trouble in getting out of bed. Besides the financial issue I have in this country, it also feels so empty. Most expats come and go, they are a decade younger and the lifestyle here is work, party and make a lot of money. You can connect but, in my experience, once they go back home, you'll never hear from them again. Also 14 years was enough, it feels like I'm in a bad relationship I can't get out off.


How I keep it together

When I lived in Phuket I met a monk. He taught me mindfulness meditation and I know by now that suppressing feelings is the worsted. So, I let it go, I label the feelings that come up and I try to stay with it for a while. And if I have to cry, I cry. It feels good and I have to start to treat myself like I am my own best friend.


Support groups

I was looking for support and advice but couldn't find much. As a social worker I am eager to support others who struggle with the effects of trauma, depression and anxiety. I would love to organize regular zoom calls to really connect with others. There is no direct and simple answer right now but knowing you're not the only one can be comforting and helpful.


Thank you to this expat mum for sharing her story; that's much appreciated.



Stuck Expat Mums

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